You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
