Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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