ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
