i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
