I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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