i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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