He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
