There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
