She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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