so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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