Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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