I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
