I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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