I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
