WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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