He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
