I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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