my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
is wine microwaveable?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
