i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
