My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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