i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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