im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
