So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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