she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
