they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
