i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
