I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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