Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
