I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I have aggressive nipples.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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