her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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