Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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