her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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