I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
