piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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