I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
