soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
