Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
