Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
