saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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