I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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