she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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