naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
