he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
