Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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