Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
