considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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