Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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