If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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