so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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