i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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