you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize