i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
