she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My balls are so social today.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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