I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
