Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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