so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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