i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
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Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
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i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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