I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
