I should be sponsored by Trojan
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
