plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
