Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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