Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What drink are we having for lunch?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
